FEAR. Forget Everything And Run? Forever Experiencing Actual Regret? Both are true, and both fiercely suck. Fear is many things to many people, and for most, it’s a stopping point. A line in the sand. An invisible opponent that they dare not cross. For all of this, fear actually DOES have a psychological/survival purpose… we just need to know how to manage it so it doesn’t hinder us in life, because the fear monster is REAL, you guys.

Now that we have the negative heavy stuff out of the way about fear, I’ll also mention that fear can prevent us from experiencing some of the most awesome, amazing, joyous, OMGTHISREALLYHAPPENED feelings in life when we submit to it. Sometimes I’ve let it limit me and other times I said F it, threw caution to the wind, and let my sailboat head towards the horizon while loosely adjusting the sail to navigate any possible danger.

I’m a big believer that we may miss one chance, only to have another prove itself better and more valuable. I also happen to believe that it sucks when we submit to fear and limit the magic that we’re capable of, over and over again. The only thing that should be a recurring character in your story is the willingness to take chances and experience things you never thought you would. Some of the most random, unexplainable opportunities have manifested out of nowhere the past year (okay, maaaaybe not out of nowhere… I was working hard and manifesting that ish, but things just kinda aligned in a way that was unexpected) and saying yes required getting over a shit ton of fear in the process.

Fear is a topic of conversation that comes up a lot, soooo wanna talk about some ways to kick that fear?

Cool, me too.

First: Is This Something You *REALLY* Want?

We can daydream all we want, and passively visualize, but when the opportunity is in front of us, a lot of people  don’t. take. it. Why is this?

Fear usually signifies something, and it can be one of the following:

1. 1. What if I’m not good enough?
   2. What if I don’t deserve this?
   3. What if I humiliate myself / fail / let someone down / everything else that fits into this mental box of madness?
   4. What if this opportunity doesn’t come around again?*

*This last point, is the first one I want to address here. The fear that an opportunity is to good to be true, or may never come around again, can drive us to confuse fear of *losing* the opportunity with how much we actually want it.

Really assess whether or not you WANT this opportunity. I can’t say this enough. If you do override your fear and take the opportunity, you’re going to live in fear that you’ll lose it. Is it the thrill of the opportunity itself, and possibly never having it again, that’s bringing up the feelings of fear? Or do you truly want this opportunity and you’re just getting in your own way? If you’re coming at the opportunity from a sense of fantasy, thinking it’ll be easy, know that there’s challenge in every amazing opportunity, and you have to decide if that challenge is something you really WANT, or something you’re assuming just doesn’t exist.

As far as points 1-3, it’s human nature to feel imposter syndrome, or to be afraid of making mistakes. Some of my most successful friends still feel imposter syndrome, and it kicks in for me too. Knowing that, you can’t let it stop you. If you’ve put in the work, you know as much as you possibly can about the situation, experience, or opportunity, and you can have a sense of humor or learn from any mistakes you might make (and trust me — mistakes are inevitable in life) then you’re already well ahead of most people who let fear stop them.

Failing smartly, taking mistakes in stride, and being able to grow from your good and bad experiences, are all things that can never happen if you don’t get over your fear and take the chance in the first place.

Break Out BEST and WORST Scenarios

A big cause for fear is going deep into the depths of our minds and thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen, OR, imagining the fantastical BEST thing that can happen and becoming intimidated, while simultaneously ignoring the challenges of said success.

Kinda intimidating either way, right?

Weighing out the pros and cons may seem like a boring, and certainly unsexy activity, but lemme tell you… getting clarity on a situation can put you in a better state of mind, and also dispel some of the irrational fears you may have. Here’s an exercise that you can come back to:

1. Grab a piece of paper.
2. On the left side, put your “BEST” side. This is where we can explore all the ridiculously awesome things that can happen, should you conquer your fear and go through with whatever it is you’re holding back from. Make sure you leave a little room underneath each thing that you write down, because we’ll be going back to this.
3. On the right side, put your “WORST side. This is where we can explore those “what’s the worst that can happen” Oh… right.” scenarios.
4. Underneath each thing that you wrote down on the WORST side, write an actual solution for what you would do if that happened, and on the BEST side, write some of the challenges that this omgsoamazing part might bring.

The idea of doing this exercise is to balance obsessive thoughts over the best and worst scenarios, and realize that the solution is there, the challenges will be there, and now you know what that is and how to handle it. It’s kinda like how the dark is so scary because we imagine all of these monsters around us, even though we know exactly what’s in our room, and when the light gets turned on, we feel silly for being afraid in the first place.

The Laws of Equal and Opposite (Balance)

The exercise above should help you balance out your mind a bit. Know going into any situation that you’re afraid of, that the universe works in equilibrium. For every bad, there’s a good. For every good, there’s a bad. I’ve mentioned the pendulum effect in the past, and when you go to one extreme, you’re sure to hit the other. No one wants to LIVE in this state of a pendulum swinging nightmare, and should seek balance, but know that you won’t be stuck in one extreme if things go south, and you’re also armed with solutions now.

This also helps to stabilize any fantasy feelings of the absolute best thing that can happen; when we think of the best case scenario, sometimes logic and caution get thrown completely to the wind, which leaves us a bit unprepared after the initial WOW factor wears off.

Balance is what ultimately helps level out fear, but it takes a little bit of practice to get there.

Talk to People Smarter Than Us

A lot of fear stems from not being sure of an outcome, or feeling like you don’t know how to handle some of the ways situations can get squirrely if it’s something new to you. Talking to someone smarter or more experienced than you can let you see that someone else has been through it, and can give you feedback or advice to help you make the leap.

I was deep into thinking about something last weekend, where it was clear that the answer wasn’t coming to me. I knew the answer was out there somewhere, and I knew that the perspectives in my reach were ones that I was already familiar with, which meant I was likely think it wasn’t the advice that would help me.

If you think you should always be the smartest person in your circle, or even your peripheral circle, you’re setting yourself up for deceleration and lack of growth. My closest friends are all smarter than me in various ways.

When I’m chatting with people on the PermissionLESS podcast, I love asking them about mentorship – whether or not they’ve had mentors in their lives, what those mentors contributed to their overall growth, tips for finding mentors, and so on. Even if you don’t realize it, you *probably* have a mentor somewhere in your life right now.

Some misconceptions about mentors is that they have to be some “unattainable” person that you’ve somehow been lucky enough to fall into contact with, or that there’s only one mentor who can teach you something. That’s completely false. Mentors come in ALL shapes and sizes; I have friends who I consider mentors because they’ve been where I’m going, they’ve experienced successes and failures, and they have infinite words of wisdom. I return the favor as best I can.

The idea of Personal Advisory Boards and Stiletto Networks builds upon the mentorship concept as well, thought it’s slightly different. You can read about that here, once you get through this post.

Personal Advisory Board and Stiletto Network

Kill the Mental Gymnastics & Anxiety

We may not think that physical activity can help with fear, especially if it’s not related to said fear, but it can! Even if you don’t realize it, fear dances with anxiety, which increases your overall tension, which increases your overall stress. To kill the mental gymnastics and anxiety, taking that out physically may help give you clarity… we’re all different, but these are things that work for me. Fear often triggers “Fight or Flight”, so by giving your body or mind something to be occupied with, it takes the edge off the “flight” side of things without giving in to the actual fear and regressing. It’s a bit of mental trickery.

Walking and Talking / Thinking

I, for one, love taking walking and talking. It gets me out of my head when I’m in a state of fear or anxiety, and allows me to either chat the situation over with someone, or run it through my head in an enhanced mental state. Walking and talking, or walking and thinking, has been a recurring theme with a lot of people I talk to, and a lot of high achievers, like Steve Jobs, would use this in their lives as well. Working out in any way, shape, or form, releases endorphins. There’s a tonnnn of benefits to it, and if you’re teetering at the point of trying to make a decision that’s being smashed by fear, working out (even a little, over a few days) can possibly help clear your head.

Meditating

I mean… this is a hot point of contention amongst people, because the benefits are there but the actual act of meditating and clearing your mind of thoughts is a pretty big obstacle for people (myself included). I’m not going to take a turn here and talk about the benefits of meditation, but if you go into it YOUR WAY and work on it, it does leaps and bounds for mental gymnastics and anxiety. And if you’re like me, and tried to follow directions for meditating and got frustrated, then know this: I found success meditating my OWN way. I used apps like Headspace to start, but now I don’t use any kind of guided meditation. The act of simply holding space and meditating with silence (or, attempting to meditate) puts me in a state of awareness and out of my head after a few minutes. Give it a shot.

So… where are we left now?

Hopefully the fear monster can is tamed now… or at least submissive enough so we can level up without needing to constantly scold it out of existence.

There’s a lot of reasons for fear, both good and bad. Fear can sometimes prevent us from making a huge mistake (intuition can often come in the form of fear, but you’ll be able to tell the difference when you start really getting attuned to your inner voice) but fear can also be purely that: fear of not being good enough, failing, fear of something being too good to be true, fear of making mistakes, etc. We have to be better at deciphering these things in our minds.

We tend to have this image in our minds that the most successful people don’t have fear, and are ballsy risk takers, and while that’s true to an extent, a lot of that comes with fear management and channeling fear into something that actually moves a situation forward, rather than being a blocker. Each and every guest on the podcast has talked about fear in one way or another, and as you can see… it didn’t stop them from making incredible leaps.

So leap, you permissionless human, you. Know that fear is something you can channel and work with, and it doesn’t need to rule your life. You can coexist pretty peacefully.

AUDIO:

The past few years have been a huge learning curve for me. Ever since leaving my agency 3+ years ago and diving into the entrepreneurship game, I’ve had to shake one of my primary habits: Being a lone wolf. 🐺

When I say “lone wolf” I’m exaggerating quiiiiite a bit, but anyone who knows me knows that I liked to operate swiftly, quickly, and most of the time I ended up doing it alone. Not because I thought I was superior, but because I was uncomfortable asking for help. I always thought I should know how to do everything myself, and if I didn’t, I was a failure if I couldn’t figure it out.

And GOD forbid I ask someone for help. It was like a death sentence for me. Well guess what? Things don’t scale that way in business, and relationships are what keep you sane. It’s boring AF. I truly realized the power of growing and learning with a group when myself and other collaborators launched a studio/creative collective last year. It had a good year run, and then we closed up shop in early 2017. What? You didn’t know about that?! Many people don’t. I took a LOT of lessons away from that which I’ll share at a later time, but the most important thing I took away was some close personal and professional relationships, and people that I’m proud to call my friends. 

My point being, is during that time, I had to lean on a lot of close friends who have done the company rodeo thing, especially in the entertainment industry, for honest feedback and as a sounding board.

So… I’m going to let you in on a little secret and introduce to you two particular concepts that I’ve encountered in one way or another that’s helped me on my path to success through failure. Those concepts are the Stiletto Network and the Personal Advisory Board (PAB).

While they will seem similar in the beginning, the primary differences between these are,

• The Stiletto Network is a mutually beneficial group.
• The Personal Advisory Board is focused more inward and provides insight into your personal and professional challenges.

The Stiletto Network

When I first came across the concept of the “Stiletto Network” I have to admit; 1) Badass name. Anything that involves a stiletto and a “fight club” vibe is awesome in my book. 2) The concept behind it is extremely fascinating, and something that we’ve almost been doing but not quite hitting the mark on.

The concept of the stiletto network was coined by Pamela Ryckman. The best way to summarize it is probably how she does it on her website:

“During the past few years, women’s groups have been coalescing in every major American city. Formidable ladies across industries are convening at unprecedented rates; they’re forming dinner groups and networking circles, and collaborating not only to achieve clout and success, but also to create a more just, equal society.

Stiletto Network is about those groups: the “Babes in Boyland,” “Power Bitches,” and “S.L.U.T.S.: Successful Ladies Under Tremendous Stress.” It’s about what happens when bright, caring women—from captains of industry to aspiring Millennials to moms launching businesses in their basements—come together to celebrate and unwind, debate and compare notes. But it’s also about what happens when they leave the table, when the talking stops and the action starts.”

The “Boys Club” has existed for-ev-er, and there are still some country clubs that separate the men’s area from the women’s area. And the thought of there being more concentrated power in groups of men also extends to groups of women. The Stiletto Network can be extended to men or mixed gender groups as well. While the power of this network is in the fact that it’s primarily women (I mean, the name…) the concept is one that transcends gender. I actually think there’s immense power in men and women conspiring together, but let’s focus on the true meaning of the Stiletto Network and its benefit in our lives.

Not to make this sound like fight club (ok, I kind of want to make it sound like fight club, obvi because this is the second time I’ve mentioned it) but these are my interpretations of what will be needed to create or participate in a strong Stiletto Network (for either gender… but for the purpose of this, I’m referring to participants as women).

The Stiletto Network:

1. Should be created with intention and purpose. Sitting around and chatting while having a drink is great, until you realize that it’s all you’ve done. It doesn’t have to be as formal as coming in with an agenda, but be mindful that time is valuable and you’re all there for an underlying reason.
2. Should only be comprised of women you wholly trust. There may be sensitive information shared that shouldn’t leave the walls of your group.
3. While this isn’t a necessity, there will be a benefit in having women from multiple industries, disciplines and business acumen involved. The more vantage points and knowledge, the better.
4. Be highly selective about whom you invite in. I’m not saying this to be all Mean Girls, but what you get out of the group depends on who is invited to participate. No drama. Let me repeat this… No. Drama. No selfishness. No one who is only using you for your connections without anything to give back.
5. Ego should not be present either. With having all mixes of women together, each should be understanding of the other’s professional choices and what they bring to the table.
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for a favor and come in with the understanding that you’re all there to help each other. Asking for a favor, like putting in a good word and arranging an introduction with an investor that you’re close with, should be met with the willingness to extend a hand when needed. This is why it’s important to have people you trust that check their egos at the door.
7. There’s no specific place or way to meet; just be sure to consider privacy. Want to use someone’s highrise apartment and sit at the dining table while discussing current events to the sparkle of city lights? Or reserve a private backroom table at your favorite sushi restaurant? Do what feels right for your group.
8. Leverage this time to talk about game changing topics. Politics. Business. What you’re seeing in the financial markets. Industry trends. You want these meetings to be like a meeting of the minds, where you leave refreshed, excited, and with your mind slightly blown.

How do you find these unicorns? Start connecting and building relationships. Eventually you’ll connect on a deeper level and get past the annoying small talk we all hate. Try finding local meetups for women in business, women in entrepreneurship, women in (insert industry/group here). Meetup.com is a great place to find local events, or you can scour for local women focused organizations and see what they have coming up to participate in.

Spread out and go to conferences and events where you’ll find like-minded individuals. When you find “the ones” you’ll know — and it’s likely they’ll have someone in their corner they trust, and want to bring into your Stiletto Network too. It’ll start organically without you even realizing it. Propose the get togethers and see how they go. Don’t start them with any expectation and use them as a training ground to see how everyone interacts, and whether you’re building each other up with knowledge, truthbombs and interesting conversations, rather than spiraling.

Personal Advisory Board

The PAB, from my interpretation and how I choose to share the concept, is extremely similar to an advisory board that you would see within the company. IE: They’re not always individuals who are hands on in the daily operation of the “company” (you), but they have a holistic, personal and professional understanding of the company (you) and are looked upon to give guidance in tough situations.

Many times, people on advisory boards have different areas of expertise and different backgrounds, and have seen many successes and failures. They have history and grit.

When I described the Stiletto Network above, one of the main benefits was that it’s mutually beneficial; meaning, you purposely ask for a favor, knowing that you’ll give someone the hook up in return. The advisory board scenario is more about *you* needing feedback and having people around you to support you. You may not be on the “advisory board” of everyone who is on yours, and that’s okay.

For your PAB, here are some guidelines that I’ve found to be helpful:

1. Much like the Stiletto Network, jealousy (🎶heyyyyy jealousy!🎶) does NOT have a place.
2. This is preferably a mix of those who know you both professionally and personally. The Stiletto Network usually starts on the professional side, and then the personal comes with time. That is, of course, if you didn’t join with a fellow warrior who happens to be both a friend and someone you know professionally.
3. Unlike the Stiletto Network, the PAB isn’t really in place to talk about the happenings and going on in the world. They’re in place if you need specific help or feedback from varying sources.
4. Your PAB would benefit from having members that fill the gap or are the “strengths” to your “weaknesses.”
5. Your PAB members should feel comfortable sharing their experiences; the goal is for them to be able to provide perspective and options when you’re facing a difficult situation. You want honesty, not yes (wo)men.
6. Your PAB doesn’t have to be the same people all the time. You can only approach one or two when you need feedback, as opposed to everyone. Or, you may rotate someone into the mix that you don’t ask for feedback from often.

So, what’s the key difference? The Stiletto Network is fashioned as more of an event or club — a meeting of the minds, if you will. A Personal Advisory Board is ongoing. These people are your lifeline. They’re there for you through thick and thin when you’re having a business crisis, personal crisis (though hopefully not so much that) and are ready to give you feedback.

I’ve tried and had different versions of the above two things. My PAB is still going strong and has basically kept my sanity throughout the past few years of entrepreneurship. I don’t know where I would be without them.

And WHY do these things even matter? Because being a lone wolf is no fun. Life and business are driven by relationships, the joy others bring (and that YOU can bring to them) and different perspectives. We grow when we surround ourselves with people who are smarter than us, stronger in different disciplines, are the strengths to our weaknesses, or more experienced in areas we aren’t.

You need a tribe in your corner, and what better way to have people in your corner than to cultivate a tribe of the best ones?

You probably have one of these in place already, and you don’t even realize it! Do you prefer one over the other? Are you going to seek them out? Let me know ALL THE THINGS in the comments below! 👇🏼